GEORGE COOPER REX
PHAEDRA’S PLAY, ADAPTED FROM UBU ROI, AND PERFORMED BY CHILDREN ON THE KBI DEADBEAT PRISON SHIP, CONSTELLATIONS END, AS IT NEARS MARS.
A room in George Cooper’s mansion
George Cooper: Frak
Imogen Smiley: You stinking old ass crack
George Cooper the First,
Put down the bottle or your liver will burst
And your guts pile up on your feet I fear.
George Cooper: Mind I don’t smash your face.
Remember, I’m the King of Beer.
Chorus: You know he’ll smash your face
‘Cause he’s George Cooper the First
Billionaire with an iron fist
Smiley: You’re a fucking disgrace
A blowhard and a coward.
Don’t you know there are bigger pigs
Lining up at the trough?
Cooper: None bigger than me
I am CEO of the Cooper Belt Company
I sit on twenty boards of director
And I’m the chief dissector
At the museum of midwestern sociopaths.
Beware my murderous wrath.
Chorus: Beware his murderous wrath!
George Cooper is a sociopath
Smiley: You don’t mind playing second fiddle?
Don’t mind wallowing in the middle
Of a mediocre pack while Bezos and Musk
Branson and Milner leave you in the dust?
Cooper: What can I do about it?
Am I not rich enough
With my castle full of stuff?
Smiley: If you cut off their heads
You could rule in their stead.
Cooper: Those other Kings are chumps:
They might have all the cash
But their castles are dumps.
Smiley: You will always be the King of Beer
If you don’t learn to think big my dear.
Not just Mars but the entire solar system
Lies within your grasp if you but murder them.
Cooper: If I ruled them all I could wear a crown
Of Plutonian gravel and ice and I’d own
Every rock between Mercury and Alpha centauri!
Smiley: Now you’re thinking straight.
Seizing the crown is your fate.
Cooper: But what if I should fail?
I’m but two feet tall.
Who am I to take down giants?
Smiley: It’s simple political science!
Burn your enemies where they stand
And seize all the land of the solar system.
Cooper: You just want your ass on a throne.
I see right through you Imogen Smiley.
How about instead you sit on my bone?
Smiley: Try it George Cooper and I’ll break your head.
Frak, scrat and boogers,
Off to prowl his harem of cougars.
That cheap little bastard
Won’t pay to fuck young girls.
But I got the last word
And am ready to stand
On the shoulders of my dwarf,
My malignant, small-minded zoomorph,
For I will be Queen of the Universe.
A banquet hall in Cooper’s Castle, a feast laid out on the table
Cooper: eating a whole chicken No matter how much skin I gnaw,
How many bones I throw in my maw,
I don’t grow any taller, I’m sawed off at the knees,
Platters of liver, intestines and cheese
Do no good, they laugh behind my back, say
That my dear mother was cursed by Gypsies
And I performed in a circus of fleas.
Enter Imogen Smiley
My fat old cow and Queen
Where are the guests?
Smiley: How should I know? They’re late.
Cooper: By the rod in my hand I’m hungry.
Smiley: That’s not your dick it’s a chicken.
Cooper: I know the difference between a cock and a hen!
You really look ugly tonight. You have dressed
To impress? You’ve outdone yourself, dear
In Honor of Your King of Beer.
Smiley: Dream on diminutive shit
I’m dressed for Jeff Bezos whose mighty bark
Sails into my harbor tonight come dark.
Cooper: I think I’ll drink this magnum of wine
And finish the l’homard de nerval.
Smiley: Put down the lobster and the Pommard
Cote de Beaune
Cooper: By my bone I will not
I’d rather cut your eyes out.
Enter Captain Jakes and his child soldiers
Smiley: Captain Jakes! Welcome.
Captain Jakes: Where is our great King of Beer?
Cooper: I’m right here!
Am I not tall enough to see?
Captain Jakes: It is your glory, Sire, that blinds.
Cooper: As I thought.
Jakes: A mighty feast you have prepared
for me and my child soldiers. You haven’t spared
the rib of a pig nor the snout of a cow.
Cooper: The snout on the menu is my Queen’s.
Smiley: You’ll see that the table is replete
With dishes fit for billionaires.
Bezos’ favorite, musk gland of marmoset;
Branson’s Croatian cheese of donkey’s milk;
Milner’s Martian oyster borscht; and Elon’s
Cherished bat shit chillies, flown in from China
In a Deadbeat’s vagina.
Cooper: Where the hell did you get
All the money to pay for it?
Smiley: Ignore this little asshole.
Gentlemen we have policy to discuss.
Cooper: I’ll give you policy, suck my pus.
My shit on a dish to pass,
Buttered bums and Martian sap,
Used condoms in a whore’s lap.
He throws shit at them
All: OH! OW! EW!
Jakes: Shit and onions this stuff’s vile.
Smiley: Please don’t go.
The l’hommard de nerval is delicious.
Jakes: Lobster on a leash sounds pretty good.
Cooper: Try my boudin noir first.
All: No no, not that diseased little member.
Smiley: What happened last fall
Won’t happen again. First
I promise your child soldiers
Stock in SpaceX, Vulcan and Virgin Galactic.
Cooper: I’ll make you CEO of SpaceX.
Isn’t that fantastic?
Jakes: But Musk is alive and he’ll never yield.
Cooper: He will if you help me murder him.
Jakes: He is my enemy. Our pact is sealed.
Smiley: All I require is a little blood
on the contract. That closes our deal.
Jakes cuts his finger with a bowie knife and scribbles his signature on a parchment
Cooper: hugging Jakes I love you Captain Jakes!
Jakes: Phew, old man, King of Beer,
Don’t you ever bathe? You stink.
Cooper: Once or twice a year.
Smiley: Never. He pisses in the sink
And shits in the shower.
Cooper: Frak, by my bone I’ll lock you in the tower
And make you grunt
You dried up old cunt.
Cooper’s corporate headquarters.
Messenger: Branson and Milner, Bezos and Musk
Are buying up stock in Cooper Belt Companies.
Cooper: Frak! All is lost! Now is the dusk
Of our day come and all of our ministries
Of finance have collapsed.
We are done for. Bring me my chaps!
Servant: You are going out riding?
Cooper: I mean the assless kind with a thong.
Bring me my harem of middle aged ladies
A consort of MILFs while I go in hiding.
Tell the gang it wasn’t my fault
Blame it on Imogen, say I was caught
Up in her snares a victim of blackmail.
Smiley: Is that a cock between your legs or a tail?
I ask you George Cooper the First
Are you not determined to be George the Worst,
Ruler of Beer and space? Lord of all Mars,
Master of the maestro of electrical cars?
Later. Same office. Captain Jakes and men, Smiley and Cooper
Cooper: We’ll take him at the board meeting.
I’ll poison the muffins and watch them writhe
On the floor with wild hemorrhagic bleeding
Blood pumping out of their earholes and noses
Blood pouring from the mouth and eyes.
Smiley: One whiff of your halitosis
Would kill the maestro of electrical cars.
Jakes: Let Musk’s skull taste my scimitar.
Its razor sharp edge was forged on Mars!
I will cleave him in two from navel to chops.
Cooper: Maybe I’ll betray you before he lops
Him into twin cyclops
For hedges on a leveraged buy out of stocks.
Smiley: Try it little man and I will crush your rocks.
Corporate boardroom of SpaceX
Elon Musk: Welcome Mr. Cooper to your first meeting of the board.
I think you will see that while I’m a rival I sit on a horde
Big enough to go around and none will fester with envy.
Space is a massive, infinite construct of the human mind.
The more we explore the more we find.
Mrs. Musk: My Lord don’t welcome this snake
It’s a terrible mistake he’s a miserable shit, a fake!
He will kill you I’m sure and take over the business
You built from scratch with dreams of success and ruthlessness.
Now is not the time to let down your guard.
Think of our child, little Bard.
Musk: I would trust my Lord Cooper with little Bard’s life
Between us I assure you there is no strife.
Enter Jakes with child soldiers
Musk: What is this? The children are armed.
Jakes: Have you any prayers to say?
Musk: Promise me Cooper, that my wife and child will not be harmed!
Cooper: Take them away!
Jakes smites Elon Musk on the top of the head and cleaves him in half
Cooper: Now it’s on to Branson and the others.
Kill the child and send his wife to my harem of mothers
I like to fuck. SpaceX is now a wholly owned division
Of the Cooper Belt Company. That is my decision.
All: SpaceX is now a wholly owned division
That is George Cooper the First’s wise decision!